when you wish upon a star;

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My stupidity! You can’t have it! :)

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Problems?

Saturday, September 25, 2010,5:55 PM

Unexpectedly, i'm blogging here. Yeah well i did study just now alright, i just need a moment ( okay, more than a moment ) to rest. I'm very lazy these weeks i have no idea why. It seems like the nearer is PMR, the lazier i am. I bet no one will read this post because people is busy studying and you guys gave up coming to my blog very long ago right. -_- It's better if you guys did not notice this post actually.

I'm blogging because, well, i just need to type things out. I hope i can transform all my thoughts and feelings into words so that i don't have to keep them all stuffed in my mind. I miss being able to express everything out in words, lines and lines of alphabets. Facebook is alright but the status space is just too limited to fulfill my needs. Alright, i know i'm crapping already.

Things hasn't been perfect lately. I know, there isn't any dramatic scenes or severe accidents or anything like that but, i just don't feel alright. Something is wrong, totally wrong. I refuse to voice it out but it's in my heart and i damn well know it. Thousands of thoughts and feelings and decisions run through my mind every single day. I tell myself, i should do this. But then i said, no i shouldn't. I have no idea what to do. I'm so tired of arguing with myself, i need someone to help me make decisions. Please?

Many things have changed. People change, feelings change, attitudes change, situations change, friends change. I know it will change in time but now the change is happening so suddenly that i can't even cope with it. I did not brace myself in time for it because hell, who knows it's gonna change so soon? And so when the change suddenly come tumbling down on me, my heart shattered into pieces and i wasn't fast enough to catch them.

I could just stare at the wall or ceiling for so damn long, just thinking and thinking. The more i think, the more ridiculous my thoughts become. I should stop thinking but my brain won't listen. Stupid brain, i hate you. Stupid heart, i hate you more. I don't know what's happening anymore. When i look at other people, i will stare at them with admiring eyes, or maybe a flick or jealousy. Why can they have it, why not me? Didn't i do enough, sacrifice enough?

I tell myself i should appreciate what i have, not wanting more and more. But i'm a normal human just like all of you and i can't help it. Every time, when i see signs of hope i start praying that it's true. But as expected, it all turned out to be lies. Even for the people i trusted with all my heart, it's all lies too. I don't think they ever cared about me. I'm used to being pathetic and i suppose i should just keep on with it. I'm tired, really i am.

I take words very seriously. Whenever someone tell me something, i will remember every word and just save it in my heart. But in the end i realize they don't actually mean what they said. They said it out of... i don't know. Maybe they said it because they think they're suppose to say it. For example, when your friend has some problems and is very sad, you'll straight away say things like 'Don't worry be happy! It's okay, i'll always be here to help you' right? But of course you're not gona always be with the friend since you're not really close with her. But you still say those words because that's what people usually say to a sad person.

If i'm that sad person, despite knowing that they don't mean what they say, i'll believe it at the moment. And the stupid thing about me is, i'll still believe it forever. Even if i'm not sad about certain things anymore, i'll still believe people that tell me those nice things. I'll think of it as a promise, even though people never really meant it in the first place. Stupidity of mine. That's why it hurts so much when it's confirmed to be a big fat lie. How disappointing to know that there's no one left for you.

Yes, i'm not happy at all these days. Not happy at all. Probably no one knows because hey, my pretending skills are awesome! I've became a professional trained actress okay, i hide my feelings well. Actually, i feel a teeny weeny bit better after blogging things out. I should settle everything after PMR is over. Only two more weeks to go, i'm sure i can survive the pain for a while. And i'm sure by then, i can come up with the perfect solution for everything.

If you guys are reading, then i'll wish you good luck for the upcoming PMR. Do your best, believe in yourself. And also wish me luck too! (: xoxo.

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