when you wish upon a star;

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Emotional.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011,11:59 PM

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And i believed you.

Ignore this whole post, thank you. I just need a place to vent out my feelings.

I close my eyes, hugged myself. Kept quiet. Forced the tears back but it's pointless. It's hard, keeping the feelings hidden. It's hard, staying silent all the time. But i am not supposed to be angry. I am not supposed to lose control on my emotions. I am not supposed to show. I am not supposed to throw childish tantrums. I am not supposed to let my emotions take over. I am not supposed to. I should not. I am supposed to keep quiet. I am supposed to bear with it. I am supposed to grit my teeth through it and not complain. I am supposed to control the tears. I am supposed to stand strong. I am supposed to be tough. I am supposed to stand firm. I am supposed to stand up even after i'm pushed. I'm supposed to keep quiet even though my heart is breaking into pieces.

There's so many things i know that i am supposed to do, and those that i'm not supposed to do. I know the list by heart. I've been through it countless of times. And i can't see any reason why i can't do it now. I should shut the fuck up, swallow every single bit of sadness, force back all the pathetic tears. I should build a shield, a wall. Protect myself, like i always do. As selfish as it may seem, i'm tired of getting bruised, tired of getting pushed off the edge. The pain is horrible. But i will bear with it. I must. I should. I cannot collapse, i cannot fall. I simply can't. My wall is halfway built now. All i need to do is disorientate myself, pull back from reality, cover myself with this layer of numbness. Coldness in my eyes, so that i won't feel anything. So that nothing can harm me. Nothing.

I am tough, i will stand strong. Watch me.

I need you. I need to rely on you, just like every time something happened. I'm so used to you always being there, and now that you left i can't seem to cope. I feel helpless. You were always my support. You were always there to protect me, to give me security. But fuck, i hate past tense. Now with you gone, who am i to rely on? I can't see anything, not anymore. There's no light in this endless piece of darkness.

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