when you wish upon a star;

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My stupidity! You can’t have it! :)

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500th Crap Post.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010,7:20 PM

I'm here blogging again, if anyone noticed. PMR is going on can you believe it? Something is definitely wrong with me because i don't feel a thing. Even after sitting in the exam hall and taking the exam, the moment i'm out of the hall all the exam feeling vanished. I'm not even glancing at my history or science book now. I'm very lazy i know, hopefully i don't get bad results because of this. >_<

Obviously, i'm blogging again because i feel like typing my shitty feelings out. For a moment i thought i was okay already, but then it happened again. This time, i did not go berserk and scream 'what the fuck'. This time, when i look at it my heart grew cold, and i'm half numb. The disappointment, the sadness wrapped around me tightly like a blanket and i couldn't do anything to fight it. I tried but i couldn't.

I told myself again and again: HewCheeYen, don't be so stupid. What's gone is gone, what's lost is lost. You cannot blame anyone, you can only blame yourself for not appreciating it when it's with you. Last time when i have it, i don't really think about it, i'm used to it and i feel that it will always be mine, it wouldn't change. But when it really did, i have no idea it hurts so much. I can only ask God, why, why, why. I'm sorry, i'm really sorry, can you please give it back to me?

It was last week when i thought i have it back again. But then as fast as it appeared, it's gone once more. I know that it didn't really came back, that was just a lie. It's not me anymore, aye? When i clicked and stare at the screen, i was...speechless. Sighs. If any of you is reading this, i know you're feeling annoyed because it seems like i'm repeating the same things over and over again. But what the hell who cares, i need to release my feelings okay.

I know it's the end. I know it's gone, forever. I know even if it come back, it's never gonna be the same again. Even if it come back, it'll only be temporary, not permanent like i used to think it would be. I hate it when i get my hopes high, and suddenly something came up to flush all my hopes down the drain. Can i don't get any hope, when i'm gonna get disappointment in the end anyway? It really sucks to hope desperately for something and then finally realize it's not coming true.

I need to scold somebody. *laughs* That's why i was acting crazy for the whole day, trying to distract myself. But just when i was halfway succeeding in distracting myself, hope stared at me again. When i came back home carefully holding the hope close to me, i looked at the screen and hope shattered. Internet sometimes sucks, right. -_-

Anyway, i know what you guys are thinking but i assure you it's 100% not what you guys are thinking, it's not even close. Girlfriends, i need you guys. My tree and my mushroom and my fern. (: I love you guys and i hope i'm not troublesome! Cheers, PMR will be over soon. Muahahaha.

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i hate you, but i need you at the same time. wtf.

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