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Disappointment.

Sunday, October 31, 2010,6:34 PM

I've never known that disappointment can eat up a person so much that only emptiness is left. Hopes up, crushed in a second. Tears welled up but my ego would not let them fall. Not my fault, i say. So why should i cry when it's not my fucking fault? What did i do? I ask myself over and over again. Why am i here? Why am i in this position? Why don't i just run and escape and forget everything?

Things have been shitty lately. It seems like everything isn't right. I'm so damn disappointed in you, you, and you. I have put high hopes on everything, i had wished hard, prayed hard for everything to work. Is it because i ain't sincere enough for God to help me? I've done everything i could, every single thing. I do not sit there and just wait. I tried, i persisted. But none of you did.

I've learned that promises are lies. Freaking lies. What's the point of making a promise when you know you're going to break it anyway? How many chances i gave, i lost count. How much hope i poured in, i lost count. How many things i did to make everything right and fix it, i lost count. And what did i get in the end? Bloody disappointment. I've been so stupid, i thought that promises really are promises. I'm stupid to the point that i believe in every single one of them. I thought that things had change and become better, but in truth it just became worse.

I'd told myself not to give up anymore. I'd told myself that it's not the end and there will be changes, better changes. I told myself that if i tried hard enough, everything will be what i want it to be. But it's proven that i'm just dumb to believe all these. I thought i was stable, i thought i could stand firmly on the ground, at least for a longer time. But now i'm standing on the edge of the cliff again. This time, will i jump down by my own, or will somebody push me?

I know i shouldn't blog when i'm in such a terrible mood. I didn't want to upset you readers, really. I've thought of putting this as a private post but then what the fuck this is my blog and i realize i don't really care. I just need to express my feelings, okay? Pardon me if i said anything that you don't like.

you big fat liar.
LIAR.
失望透了，知道吗？

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